I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
