Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
