I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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