so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
