five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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