My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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