we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
