worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize