I want to make a zoo with you.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
