tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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