The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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