Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
