We named our party play list daddy issues
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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