and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
