You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
