I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
