hell yes lets make some ravioli
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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