I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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