I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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