the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
