Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
