you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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