one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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