my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
