are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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