so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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