I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
