My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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