I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
