Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
