I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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