i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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