it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize