My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
