the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
