I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
