I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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