i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
