That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
