I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
