jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
