Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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