Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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