he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
