did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
