So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
