She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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