Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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