My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
