so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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