we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I want her autograph on my taint
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
we're so committed to being not committed
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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