Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
