Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
