i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
