standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
