I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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