i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize