I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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