I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
