Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
