We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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