Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
