Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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