Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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