I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
