Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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