Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I think I sprained my soul last night
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
